D-D-D

If any of you follow my sister Janine's blog, you might think that she's a wonderful person. I beg to differ. Case in point - this morning, I found myself singing a song that she composed years ago, and that she sang throughout my formative years. The lyrics go like this:

Dumb Dumb David
Dumb Dumb David
Dumb Dumb Dummity Dumb

(Repeat x 100)

Reverse!

There are three things that cause me stress for no rational reason:

1) Being backed up in the laundry
2) Having un-read newspapers (being backed up in the newspaper reading department)
3) Being backed up in TV watching.

The three came together in perfect storm formation a few weeks ago when we went to visit my sisters in Calgary, and then spent a night in Kananaskis. The trimvirate of backed up things was terrible.

The good news is that I finally finished #1 last night - there is not a single load of laundry left to do in my house - a condition that will last for about a day (sadly).

I was caught up on #2, but I haven't read today's paper yet.

As for #3 - don't even ask... as a sign that we watch too much TV, I think we have 10.5 hours of recorded TV that we need to watch to catch up to last night. (D'oh!)... it's mostly because we've been wasting our nights reading Twilight to eachother (and now New Moon) - instead of just turning on the TV.

By the way, I've added some more photos to Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=87609&l=af622&id=679030785

Cruel words

So, I have come to the conclusion that the two most cruel words in the English language are:

Stutter and Lisp.

Try and imagine someone with either trying to tell people about their condition. So cruel.

Then I thought - what about people who can't say their Rs. A quick Google search turned up yet another cruel word - Rhotacism. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhotacism)

I'm sure some speach therapists are laughing somewhere.

Guitar Hero and the White House

Last night, while playing Guitar Hero World Tour, I played Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama". Now, this morning, all I have in my head on an endless loop is "Sweet Home For Obama".

I'm sure the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd would object to me co-opting their right-wing rant in praise of a Democratic African-American president. But, this Canadian man don't need them around anyhow.

Sorry if you sing "Sweet Home For Obama" all day now.

Rebeccisms

Rebecca never ceases to crack us up with her wackiness... here are a few examples:

Emily is big into spelling things (part of being in Grade 1 I guess), so she often calls people by spelling their names. As in "Hey, M-O-M-M-Y, can I have some milk?". Rebecca, ever the imitator of the extreme coolness of her big sister, has attempted to do this too. When we visited Janine a few months ago, she tried it out on Kathryn. Her spelling of mommy? A-N-N-O-Y.


The other day, I took some toy or something away from her because she was playing with it instead of getting her shoes and coat on. (The issues with our girls getting ready to leave the house will have to wait for a future post). In her extreme frustration, she looked at me and said: "Dad, you ...... CRANK!" - this must equate to the worst word she could think of!

Ear Chud Champion

So, I'll bet that my Thanksgiving dinner wrapped up in a way that was completely different from any of you (barring those who were there of course).

First off - to set the stage - we had Thanksgiving dinner for Kathryn's family at her sister Georgina's house. This was the first big family dinner that Gina and Matthew hosted - so props to them. Special props to Jammy for doing things the way she wanted, and not just to please everyone else (Babies of families unite!)

Anyway, I'll be that after your boring dinners, you played some games, or watched sports, or *gasp* talked to each other. BORING! Not us.

We decided - at a suggestion from Kathryn's brother, who I shall call X-opher (think X-mas) that a good after dinner entertainment would be to flush eachoter's ears with a syringe.

Yes, you read that right.

Since Georgina's a nurse - we had access to a medical-grade syringe (no turkey basters for us - although, the syringe would have made a good baster...)

The end result is that I managed to have the biggest chunk of chud flushed from my ear. Go me!

Lipstick wearing pigs

Sarah Palin scares me.

Well, as a person, she doesn't literally scare me - but her policies sure do. Case in point - she actually tried to link Sadam to Al Qaeda. Seriously? Even Bush doesn't try to pull that one any more.

But she can see Russia from her house... (oh Tina Fey, is there nothing you can't do?)

I don't understand how Republicans can buy in to the talking points without being critical - Socialized Healthcare is bad - but a Socialized fire department is OK. (and so is a socialized security force). Big government is bad, they have no business in my private life - but please Mr. (or Ms.) government, can you let me carry my gun, stop other people from having abortions, and never let those gays get married.

I'm glad that in Canada, even our conservative politicians are more or less centrists, and even sometimes left-leaning. Except for Harper - who seems to be some kind of a sweater-wearing Robot.

Anyway - the election's coming up - please go and vote.... unless you're going to vote conservative - in that case, please stay home.

Sandhu Candhu!

Ok, so, personal revelation time - I am addicted to SYTYCD. For those out-of-the-know (who I will refer to as not-cool people) - this is So You Think You Can Dance... and now the Canadian version.

Was anyone as surprised as me to see Canada's preeminent prima-donna, Emanuel Sandhu on the stage auditioning? And doing a triple-axle to boot! Isn't he already famous enough to not have to lower himself to auditioning for a reality TV show?

Anyway, other thoughts - Leah Miller is no Cat Deely - but she's not as annoying as your typical ex-Much Music VJ. We'll see if she can pronounce "judges" properly - something that deal old Cat has yet to achieve.

Finally - Calgary is home to cowboys, and Edmonton is home to homeless B-Boy gansters. Go Edmonton!

P.S. I am more than a little jealous that Kathryn is heading to Seattle this weekend to catch the live American SYTYCD tour - so lucky!

Vandals and Ne'er-do-wells

Call me immature, but I get a kick out of rearranged road signs. My personal favourite was a signboard advertising for people to join the Edmonton police force. Some clever vandal had rearranged the words to read:

"Don't join the Po Po"

Awesome!

Close to our house, there's a big construction site where they're building what I think is going to be a Superstore. Anyway, attached to the fence, there's a placard that says "Danger! Due To: ", and then a big white space where the crew is supposed to fill in what the danger is on the construction site. The one I saw says:

"Danger! Due To: ZOMBIES"

Love it! That one made me laugh out loud (or lol - I probably would have rofled if I was walking) - which made me feel a bit silly for laughing to myself in the van.

I heart ustard

So, basically, I love custard. We had apple pie the other night, and I hadmine with some English custard that we got from my mother in law. Basically the best thing ever. I can eat it hot or cold (or any temperature in between)... come to think of it, one of my passwords at work in the past was coldCustard...

(Yes, having to think up a new password every month forces me to be creative)

I also love mustard.

Which makes me conclude that any word ending in -ustard must be a delicious food item. A quick Google search turned up bustard, which is some kind of bird (see picture). I'm sure that it is absolutely delicious, especially with mustard, served on a bed of custard!

Does the horse get the medal?

Ok, so I am basically addicted to the Olympics. All of our copious TV watching in the past week has been basically all Olympics all the time. Which is OK, since CBC has pre-empted Coronation Street. (maybe Corrie will be the subject of a future post).

Anyway - there are a few things that I've thought about a lot while watching... and they are (in no particular order):

I am amazed and surprised that Galen Weston can speak French. We were watching Radio-Canada since the French channel often has better coverage than the English CBC. Along came the standard President's Choice commercial, and there was Mr. President (of brand-name fame) giving his speal about organic foods all in French. Kudos to you Mr. Weston. Which leads to a small digression - why is the No-Name brand at Superstore trademarked?

Speaking of French - what will happen in 2010 when CTV takes over the Olympic coverage? Last time I checked, there was no CTV-affiliated French channel - at least not on the grainy, no-cable TV that we get. At least the English coverage will have Brian Williams - I've missed his rants about the judging. Ian Hanomansowhatshisname is just not as entertaining.

And more on commercials - the Tostadas "recipe" (notice the quotes) commercials are lame. Here's a recipe - open the bag of chips, pour them in a bowl. Open the dip. Whoopeee!


What is up with Show Jumping? It appears to me that the horse does all the hard work. Case in point - the Canadian silver medal-winning team has a competitor in his ninth (yes ninth!) Olympics! To boot, he qualified for 10 games, but because of the '84 boycott, he didn't attend. Also, he might have missed one because of the Great Depression. In my mind, any event in which a septuagenarian can compete is not a real Olympic sport.

Along the same lines - what's the deal with BMX? (Or, as my friends on Radio-Canada put it, "le p'tit bicycle") This is like "the totally rad, super-awesome, X-Olympics games". Why not also include Ultimate Frisbee, or hackeysack? There's a good crowd of scofflaw ultimate players who play on the field by my house... next time I see them, I'll ask if they're gunning for London in 2012.

Other Olympic sports that bug me:

Modern Pentathlon - which is based on what a modern soldier needs to do behind enemy lines - sword fighting, pistol shooting, running, swimming and (yes, this event is doubly-cursed) - horse riding.

Base/Softball - I am sooo glad that they're dropping this after 2008. I have other issues with baseball as a major-league sport anyway - what kind of sport encourages chewing tobacco while playing???

Beach volleyball - one of the major reasons why we watch the French channel so often. It seems that the CBC looooves beach volleyball - considering that it is ALWAYS ON!

And my most favourite Olympic sport? It has to be the steeplechase. This is like horse jumping redeemed. Take the horse course, and remove the horse - wackiness ensues!

Cat names

A few months ago, my sister Janine and I decided that the best cat names should contain a title or honorific. While I don't own a cat, or really ever plan on changing that fact, I have come up with a list of good names for cats. Feel free to use any of the following:

Captain Fluffypaw
Baron von Mouselicker
Fatty "Fats" Fatty-cat, the fat
Colonel Reginald Fuzz
The lieutenant (must be pronounced the British way - LEFTtenant)
Mr. Archibald Renfrow, the third (only applies if this is your third cat)
Count Lickyfur
Dutchess Spottyface
Fluffy T. Furryfur
Angus McJumpOnTheCouch
Corporal Fang (for mean cats)
Queen LazyMew
Lady Hairball
Mrs. Crinkles (this one is good if you are an old lady)
My cat (good for amnesiacs)
Your cat (good if your friends are amnesiacs)
Catty P CatCat, Esq.
General Tailey Winkersnortz
President Litterbox
Marquis Le Purr
Dame Esmerelda Pukebreath

Supermess

Ok - another blog post about Rebecca - who seems to be the source of life's frustrations and funny moments.

Rebecca has an innate ability to make a complete mess of herself no matter what she's doing. I swear she can cover an outfit in chocolate with a single chocolate chip.

So anyway, after one especially messy treat, I asked her how she gets so dirty all the time. Her answer?

"I have a super power"

Bedtime woes

A couple of weeks ago, we were going through the standard bedtime routine, which generally involves carrying protesting kids to bed, then having them come out of their room for any number of made up reasons.

On this particular night, we actually convinced Rebecca to go in to her own bed (as opposed to Emily's bed, the floor in our room, or even the floor in the hallway). A couple of minutes later, she comes out with Emily telling us that she can't sleep because "there's this in my bed".

Upon further investigation, we find that she had puked in her bed the night before, and that the puke had now dried up on her sheet, pillow and blanket.

How you can puke in your sleep and not notice is beyond me. How you can sleep through someone puking in the bunk-bed below you and not wake up is also beyond me.

Just go to the effing potty!

Ok - so I absolutely HATE potty training. Rebecca is contrary at the best of times - but try and convince her that doing something is great and fun....

After a few weeks of Pull-ups, we decided that it would be a better idea to put her in real panties, so that the consequence of an "accident" (read on-purpose) is much greater. We were doing pretty well, until she went and hid behind the chair and pooped.

Alright, so that was an "accident". Mom and dad are sad, but not angry... clean, clean, clean (puke in your mouth a little). Kathryn asks her if she needs to pee, since she didn't. Might as well have asked her if she wanted her arm cut off, judging by her response. Ok, fine, new pair of underwear, off we go.

So I come back in to the room 5 minutes later to find her hiding behind the couch, in a puddle of pee, with a sad look on her face. Cue Kathryn and I losing it.

I carried her upstairs and put her in the bathtub and just told her to wait there while I cleaned up. (In the dark, no less).

Just for some context - we took the girls to swimming lessons a few weeks ago, and Rebecca absolutely hated the shower (not to mention the rest of the swimming class - did I mention she's contrary??). So Kathryn decides that a good punishment is that she'll have to be showered off after peeing.

"No no no!" says Rebecca... so I turn the shower on and start spraying her legs.

Rebecca: "Oh, that feels really nice"

This is where Kathryn and I turn red trying so hard not to laugh.

Arrrr me mateys

When we were in England last year, Kathryn's brother Chris and sister Suzie convinced Emily that I used to be a pirate before I was a dad.

Don't ask.

I don't really know how the story started, but they ran with it - so now, I'm a lot cooler in Emily's eyes, because I used to be a pirate.

So anyway, we went on the riverboat yesterday, since Suzie can get us on for free. Every weekend, they do a pirate-themed cruise, where everyone dresses up as a pirate and they have pirate-themed activities.

A few years ago, I won a pirate costume at work (and by costume, I mean a pirate hat). So we decided that I should wear the pirate hat for the cruise.

When I showed Emily, she says to me, "Dad, do you have that hat from when you used to be a pirate?"

Awesome

I am the wimpy Orkin man

So I was bringing a bag of empty bottles out to the shed the other day (let's face it, our shed is basically used for bottle storage since neither Kathryn nor I possess any gardening skills) and I hear this buzzing noise.

I look up into the corner by the door, and there's a wasp nest there. It was only about the size of a fist - but the sort of fist that pulls out your heart and throws it into the Temple of Doom. It was then that I noticed a few wasps leering at me, so I booked it out of there.

The next day, we walked down to the HD by our house (P.S., it's very convenient having a Home Depot right next door) and bought a can of wasp killer. The can said to wait until evening, or morning, when the wasps wouldn't be active. So then I had a couple of hours to talk myself into being able to go back in the shed and man-up.

By the way - I have no idea where this irrational fear of bees, wasps, hornets, yellow jackets (huh?) comes from - being stung does hurt - but not all that much... although, I can imagine that being stung by a whole nest full of wasps might hurt a lot more.

Anyway, once the sun went down, I suited up. By the way, it was about a million degrees outside - but I wasn't going to chance anything... I put on a pair of sweats and a hoody - with the hood up. I had considered winter gloves, scarf and toque, but that didn't seem very manly, so I sucked it up.

Now - the problem was that the nest was in a corner just inside the door of the shed. It wasn't possible to get at it unless I was actually inside the shed. The can said to spray from a distance of 2 meters. (we bought this brand because the other choice said 3 meters!) Which meant that I had to be inside the shed, and at the back of the shed - at the mercy of the angry swarm that I'm sure would erupt in defence of their home.

So, I cleared a bit of the clutter (mostly by just shoving it) and got ready. I thought about taking the lawn mower out of the shed, to provide an easy exit - but it looked like it might rain, and there was no way I was going to spray the nest, then calmly push the mower back in the shed.

I got the can ready, in one hand, balanced my feet on the mower, and turned on my flashlight with the other hand. The nest was pretty much one of the nastiest things I've seen. All the wasps were crawling all over it - ready to pounce on me (at least in my imagination).

I took a deep breath, then let loose. I think I emptied about half the can - and it was a big can. Then I hopped out the door, slammed it shut and tore off across the lawn as fast as I could run.

Epilogue:

A few days afterwards, I went back to the shed and scraped the nest down with a shovel. I took it out to the back alley and smashed the crap out of it... by the way - the inside looked creepily worse than the outside.

It's what plants crave

What is the deal with yogurt?

Why is every second ad on the three channels we get about how great yogurt is for you... It makes me wonder - did yogurt always have all these great ingredients, and there's just recently been a focus on how good they are for you, or are yogurt makers (the dairy conspiracy) adding extra bacterial agents to an already bacteria-filled stew, and also - can this sentence get any longer?

I love the commercials that say "this yogurt is the only one with ProActivo (TM)"... isn't that the point of a trademark?

I'm waiting to buy yogurt until there's one with electrolytes.

When the dog bites...

Here's a quick list of things that annoy me:

Payless Shoes BoGo ads. To me, BoGo means buy one, get one free - not some lame buy one get one at half price.

The commercials with that strange British woman and her coven of housewives who talk about amazing cleaning products - there's so much wrong with those ads.

People who ride bikes when there's snow on the ground. In fact, let's pull out all the stops and say bikes on the road in general are annoying.

Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos

Yeah, so the waiting game sucks.

I hate waiting for things - I wait every day for the bus... I'm waiting every day for the baby to come (who is now a day late)... I'm waiting for GH to show up in the mail...

Some people are blessed with patience and the skill to see the value in delayed gratification. Not me!

A Harpo Production

So, we've been watching Oprah's Big Give - and I don't really know what to make of the show. For those who haven't heard of it, Oprah picked a dozen or so A-types and challenges them each week with tasks to give away money to those in need. The motto for the show is "Give big, or go home".

I'm not sure if this show is meant to be an inspiration for all of us to find the "big giver" inside of us, and to emulate what we see in our own lives, or if it's just a slightly different take on the standard reality show genre.

Take this week's show, for example. One of the teams managed to raise a ludicrous amount of money, and had a playground built for a school in four days - two of which were a weekend. Emily's school is trying to raise somewhere between ten and twenty thousand for a playground. Once the money's raised, I'm sure that the contractors will have no problem working over the weekend to have the thing built in a day.

What the editing of the show doesn't let on is the amount of times Oprah's name must get dropped while they solicit donations. I'm sure that it's really easy to get toys donated to homeless kids when you tell the company that they'll be on an Oprah show.

The show's promotion indicated that the competitive format (i.e., reality show) was chosen because it will inspire the participants to really work hard to beat the other people. I'm not too sure what this says about human nature - that we can only be inspired to be charitable when we can stick it to another person?

In any event, the newness of the challenge has worn off for the competitors, and the inevitable politics and cattiness has set in (and they don't even have to blame a meal of soggy rice and sleeping in the rain for it!) The show focused a lot on the conflicts within the team this week - and I suspect that things will just go downhill over the next few weeks. Because really, people don't watch shows like this for the uplifting inspiration of giving - it's more about which contestant will be the Omarosa, and how much can we hate him/her before they get voted off the island (so to speak).

What I do enjoy about this show is that, despite her image makeover, Oprah is really getting back to her roots in daytime television by pandering to the basic audience that loves to see other people fight. We love to rubberneck at the train wrecks these people's lives turn into. Since her own talk show is devoted now to Dr. Oz, or how Oprah feels about a celebrity's latest movie / tv show / book (let's face it - how much do Oprah's guests talk anymore - it seems to be all about Oprah), she must really be feeling a void deep down that can only be filled by the kind of TV content that she started, and Jerry Springer perfected.

I will continue to watch, however, because I'm so easily addicted to new shows!

Sibling rivalry

So, welcome to my very own blog. (woops, typed that as blob the first time).

I was reading my sister's blog, and decided that I needed to create one of my own. This decision is based 100% on the fact that I need to be better / funnier than my sister. Don't get me wrong - we get along really well now that we're all grown up - but I still can't get over 20+ years of fighting with her constantly.

I'm not sure why we fought so much growing up - I think it's probably because we were constantly struggling for the second place finish in the land of our mom's favour. We both knew that Colleen was the favourite, so any points earned towards that second-place status were highly cherished!

And it seems that the latest battlefield is going to be Guitar Hero III. Janine jumped the gun by ordering it before I could get my hands on it. She's got a week's lead on me - but I have a misspent youth of video game skillz that will definitely be a bonus. So Janine - GAME ON! (of course, I'm still waiting for mine to come in the mail).... hopefully I can be a real guitar hero before Easter.

One more thing Janine - do they have that great (read stupid) song that you used to play on your classical guitar? (Duh duh..... dinh, duh duh duh)

P.S. In case you're curious, Diids is my ace Mii at Wii sports.