Two things I am done with

Ok, here's a little rant of a post.

There are two things in my environment that I am done with, completely over.

The first is flash mobs.  (Or anything involving flash and/or mobs).  Now, I used to be a fan.  That cell phone commercial at the train station was awesome, and so was the Black Eyed Peas on Oprah.  Other than that, it's all old news and unexciting.  Anyone wishing to start a flash mob now is sooo 2008 (and also 2000-and-late).

Side note - do you remember what cell phone company the ad was for?  Me neither.  FAIL!

Second thing - "teaser" ad campaigns, especially Edmonton-centric ones.

You know what I'm talking about.  We were blessed in March with not one, but TWO such campaigns.  The first was for Southgate mall, and it was their second offence.  At least their teaser had glittery, mesmerizing, trance-inducing signs.

The second one, and also a second offense was for Now! Radio.  Avid followers (again, read: nobody) will know my feelings about this station.  You will also know my feelings about their last campaign.  This time around was a whole series of inane and highly creepy billboards that read like Three Lines Free (for those who are old like me) or craigslist ads (for those who grew up with the series of tubes), asking where "Red Scarf Girl" was, and if creepy billboard man (Prince Charming?  more like Prince Rapist) could find her again.

After a looooong protracted campaign, it was revealed that Now! radio was behind it all.  And we all laughed and laughed.  Then we gave them kudos for being so interesting.  Then we puked.

I am not an advertising person - so I don't get how this can be effective.  I can't imagine that it's true that all publicity is good publicity.  (for example, if McDonald's is in the news for serving mice instead of cows, will that drive sales?)  The only thing these ads did was solidify my dislike for the Now! radio brand.  In my mind, the big reveal was absolutely disappointing.  It should have ended with Red Scarf Girl and Prince Charming really being Belinda Stronach and Peter MacKay getting back together in a Scientologist wedding, or something similarly spectacular.

And this bait-and-switch was brought to you by the station that bills itself as "Honest" and "Open" and "Not Fake"  (and p.s., don't get me started on what that means for a radio station).

My favourite part of this whole saga is that there is ABSOLUTELY NO MENTION of this anymore on the Now! website.  This is brilliant advertising.

I can only hope that the next campaign they run involves flash mobbing in some form or another.

The worst of both worlds

Have you been to dinner theatre lately?

About a year and a half ago, we went to a dinner theatre show with our BFFs.  On the way there, we had such great expectations for some great food and fun entertainment.

In the end, we got food.  And entertainment.  (dear reader:  note the lack of adjectives).  I won't say where we went, but it starts with J and rhymes with Mubilations.

Dinner theatre is just a disappointment.  You get food that has to be mass produced so that it can be served to the entire "restaurant" all at the same time.  And it has to be bland enough to accommodate both the seniors (of which there are plenty) and children (of which there were a few).  Side note - who shells out the cashish to bring a child to one of these places?  So that means either 1) fatty prime rib or 2) dry mushroom-sauced chicken.  Maybe this passed as great food back in the days when you'd go out for dinner and a dance?  I dunno.  Not so good anymore.  I need my food to have strange combinations (what?  Lamb in cheese fondue? yes please!) or in awkward presentations (shrimp on a lollipop?  How novel!)

And as for the show - well, you get the BFA grads who had a GPA of 4.  And by 4, I mean 4 out of 9.  (Yeah, shout out stanine!)  Every time I go to a show there, the plot/songs/jokes all follow the same formula.  I'm pretty sure they use the DJ 3000 to write them (hot dog!  we have a wiener).

But the worst part, by far, is the service.  Now, everything is usually pretty prompt, since they have to have the meals served, pepper ground and plates cleared in the space between acts.  I'm talking about the fact that your server is "in character" as they deliver your fatty beef.

Do you remember those days in Drama class in High School where there were those kids who just played a character the whole class, and how annoying that was?  Ok, wait.  Maybe only I have those memories due to the fact that I'm a High School Drama Geek.  ANYWAY... I don't want Sandra Dee or Jack Bauer asking me if I want a refill on that cola based beverage I'm drinking.  I want my server to be there when I need something, maybe with some good inane chatter (see above), but not to draw all the attention to themselves for the ENTIRE TIME that I'm eating and/or watching the program to count how many songs are left before dessert.

But P.S.  It must suck to work at one of those places and just be a server, and not be a server / (stroke) performer in the show.  Just like bus drivers, there's probably a hierarchy there too.

As an aside, I have never worked as a server, so I don't really understand what the job entails.  Sorry if I offended any of you who work in hospitality.  Now go fetch me another coke.

So, maybe, like Greg, I'm turning into a grumpy old man.  (no maybes about it).  I think I'll stick to one of these options in the future:

1)  Go to a super-nice restaurant, get take-out and watch some HBO television series on the DVD player in the van or
2)  Go to a show at the Citadel or the Jube and sneak in some jujyfruits and/or duck breast.

And maybe pretend I'm Clive Bixby the whole time.

Some parts are meat

Ok, I turned off the captcha for comments on my blog because, frankly, I hate typing them in when I leave comments, or increasingly, do ANYTHING online.  (aside:  I'll bet there are some clever AI programmers out there doing Turing tests on captcha solving programs).

As a result, I get a few strange anonymous comments from time to time.  Whatevs, gives me the impression that someone actually reads this.

But what gets me are the seeming randomness of these quotes (c.f. Turing test).  I understand that they are spam, but I can't for the life of me figure out how they propose to work.

Let's take some examples.  The first one is this:

Sustain this wonderful text, went ahead and added to my chrome feed.

Ok.  Maybe someone's learning English and used Google translate to tell me to keep writing these wonderful posts (sustain)??  Yay to my ego.

But then there's these next two, in succession:

Car and truck insurance plan seriously isn't unbelievably unique. Dependent which always state level you live around, it should indeed be a good slighter or maybe a better section of your budget rather than your friends across condition strains. What is the minimal for one's state? I've discovered this internet site handy to determine low-cost auto insurance. I am very happy be here.

And

Lot of information about how to get cheap auto insurance? Getting your first car insurance policy may not be a priority but it should be. Car insurance protects one of your first investments, your car. But car insurance can be complicated and often new car insurance shoppers fail to compare car insurance rates and in turn fail to reap the financial benefits of finding the best and affordable car insurance available to them. Information here is great. Love to come back again. 

I am really glad that these people (read, one person) (read, one program) are happy to be here.  By here, do they mean the Internets?  My Blog?  The Democratic Republic of the Congo?

Now, suppose I was really interested in buying car insurance, because, after all, it should be a priority.  How can I use these random posts (on a blog about the use of shit on TV) to access the broker they are promoting?  There's no link in the text, the commenter is "anonymous".  There's no mention of brand at all.  In the first one, dude discovered a handy Internet site that will get me the minimal for the state I live around.  (what policy covers my various mental states?)

Also, would you seriously buy car insurance from someone who can't write proper English?  (In Communist Russia, insurance drives YOU!)  Although, it does look like my insurance seller has managed to graduate from their first TOEFL class between comments 1 and 2.  At least #2 makes more sense.

Wait - I just got it - I wonder if I had monetized my blog (p.s., how laughable is that?) - it would now be pulling in car insurance ads.  Maybe the random spamming of letters tells adsense to pull their specific ad.  (I'm pretty sure I'm right on this one).  Maybe I should monetize and see.  But The Facebook is too cool and I don't even know what it is yet (sorry, watched The Social Network last night).

Which reminds me - do you remember when that virus/spam went around a couple of years ago that had as a subject line "I love you" with an infected zip file attached?  I remember hearing on the news about how some senior executives and top level government officials were infected.  Which makes me think:  do I really trust my elected representative when they gladly open an email from an unknown source that says "I love you"?

Maybe it's lonely at the top.  I only open "I love you" emails from my wife.  And maybe sometimes my mistresses.

Dude, where's my car?

I hate the Library Parkade.

First off, it's ugly and claustrophobic.  Seriously, would it have really cost that much more to dig down another foot or two so it doesn't feel like the roof is crushing you with its gargantuan weight?  Also, there are not wide lanes here - if you make a mistake and go the wrong way, it's a 20-point turn to get back facing the other way.  And back to the ugliness (which, really, is systemic in Edmonton) - I do like how they tried to pretty it up with some lame-ass technicolour bison paintings on the walls.

Also, what's with the level naming.  P1, P2, P2S, P2N, TPS (report).  Good thing I have excellent spacial awareness and can visualize, from street level, exactly when I'm standing on top of where my car is parked.  Also also, it's like a labyrinth down there (dance, magic dance) - multiple entrances that lead to parts of the Parkade that are seemingly inaccessible to other parts.  I like the Russian Roulette of where you're going to come out when you exit as well.  Side story on the exits - I do love the sign that says "Lights?" on the wall as you exit.  I always expect (and am disappointed by the lack of) their counterpart signs - "Camera?" and "Action?"

Anyway, my biggest issue with the Parkade is the stupidity of the exiting process.  They pay some dude (read douche) minimum wage to sit in a booth and take cash only upon exiting.  Have you ever been to an event downtown and then waited for 40 minutes in an endless line of cars and carbon monoxide while dude (douche) figures out how to break a $20?  I swear that I've had to pay for an extra 1/2 hour while waiting to leave the place.  I don't understand why they don't get with the 1980s and have pay stations that you visit before getting to your car.

The other night, we went downtown for the lighting of the Christmas Tree in Churchill Square.  It was a cool fireworks display, but we did have to sit through Lynda Steele and Nicola Crosbie doing an extended mix of news banter.  Wow, that was awful.  Anyway, it took us half an hour to get out of the Parkade.  When we got to dude (douche) - our total charge for parking???  ONE DOLLAR!  Seriously?  It was worth someone's time for ONE DOLLAR?

I wish all parkades were like the Volkswagen parking garage, which makes me think of what parking would be like in the Matrix.

Buy our product!

So, we actually watched some TV last week that had commercials in it (you can make your own guesses as to where our TV normally comes from).

I realized that there's a style of commercials that really drives me nuts.  It's those ones where you have a person saying a part of a sentence, and then it cuts to a different person who finishes the sentence.  Case in point is the ad for Ford (I think) that has this Microsoft-powered gizmo that can connect your electronic crap to your car.  "I can read email" ... "from my grandmother"  (author's note - quotes may or may not actually appear in the commercial).  The "climax" of the ad is when a bunch of people say the same word at the end of the sentence:  "It's like"... "magic" ... "magic" .... "MAGIC" ... "CAN YOU BELIEVE THE EFFING MAGIC GOING ON HERE???"

But on the positive side, one thing I love about commercials is when the same actor is in commercials for different products.  This is even better when both commercials air in the same commercial break.  My current favourite is the poor dude in the Benylin ad who's taking a sick day.  First off, he's clearly the one they make fun of at work, because he's average looking, whereas his co-workers are sharp-suit-wearers with perfect hair.  They call him to harass him at home instead of looking for the file on the network drive, like any normal person would do.

Next up, he's in a Scotiabank ad where he's much richer than he thinks.  Can't remember the details of this ad, except he does a really lame clap-like hand action at the end.

The reason I like when this happens is that I can make up my own backstory that links the commercials together.  I think this poor dude was drowning in debt, working 80 hours a week to support his addiction to aerosol cheese products.  He gets a hard time at work from his more attractive colleagues, and then a hard time at home because of the mountain of bills.  His wife books an appointment with the bank so they can address their debt, but he can't take the time off work.  So, he fakes being sick, pretends to suck back the Benylin, then heads to the bank with his wife.  It all works out in the end, because the banker finds money for him to enter rehab for his cheese-huffing problem.  Also, while he was at the bank, a disgruntled former employee goes on a killing spree in his office, picking out those who don't know about the network drive.

Maybe I need something better to do with my time.  Pass the EZ-Cheez.

Dress code

The other day, I ran into an interesting sight at the grocery store.  I was deep in the cheese isle looking for something or other.  At one end, there was an elderly couple and at the other end, a young couple.  Now, by young, I mean early 20s - maybe even younger, though I think they might have had a kid with them.

ANYWAY, the older couple were, for lack of a better term, dressed up.  The man was wearing nice pants and shoes, a collared shirt, and maybe even a tie.  The woman looked similarly classy.  In contrast, the young couple were the slobbiest looking people I've seen in a while - ripped, baggy sweats, too-large hoodies, shoes with no laces.  I almost had to check to make sure I hadn't warped to a Walmart.  (or, even worse, a Saan store - but I knew it wasn't Saan since I wasn't in a small town in Alberta).

That got me to thinking - what's wrong with my generation (and the younger generation)?  Why do we think it's ok to just wear whatever, wherever?  And then I wondered, did the older couple dress nicely just because they were going shopping, or do they wear nice outfits every day regardless (or irregardless for you Greg).  When did it become socially acceptable to look like a hobo, just because your baby-momma needs more milk to wash down the Colt 45?

Have you been to a live performance lately, not counting Fringe plays and rock concerts?  When I spend eight million dollars to sit in the third balcony and watch a bunch of dancing cats, you're damn right that I'm going to make an effort on my outfit.  But then you always get sat beside some cowboy who wears his dress hat with his Wranglers, because of the fancy show.

What am I trying to get at?  Who knows.  Maybe I just want everyone to wear the latest Vera Wang evening dress when they need to jaunt out to the store for more eggs (Walmart excluded).  I know that it would make my shopping time more enjoyable, especially if I'm comfortable in my ripped sweats and wife beater.

Best of Edmonton?

This week, SEE Magazine released their annual results for "Best of Edmonton".  For the list, you can go here.

I just had to comment on this - while most categories seem OK, there really are some that I think they just copy from year to year - or, people just vote stupidly.

Favourite Edmontonian - Michael Phair.  Ok, I agree that people liked him a lot when he was on city council, and I have to agree that he could be favourite Edmontonian for 2007...  But come on, that was 3 years ago... unless you are involved in community relations for the UofA, do you really see him doing much?  (as an aside, I think he's stalking me - I do actually see him everywhere - but he is hard to miss in his wild shirt choices).

Best local professional athlete - third place was Ricky Ray.  Srsly?

Best donair - third place - Charles Smart.  Ok, just you try and go get a donair from Charles Smart.  Woops - it's a big pile of gravel.  This place has been closed for over a year AND TORN DOWN!

Best fine dining - Packrat Louie - ummmm?

Best brunch - Culina - granted, the food there was really good - but not what I would consider the best.  (hello, Smitty's anyone?) - I guess good ol' Smitts doesn't really count as brunch though.

Best everything else - to win, your store / business / brothel MUST be located on Whyte Ave.  If not, don't even think that you're ever going to win in any category.

Except if you're Ikea.

When? Soon. Now! BARF!

If you don't live in Edmonton, or if you do, and have been living the hermit lifestyle for the past month, let me catch you up:

About a month ago, billboards went up all around Edmonton with what looked like the Sprite bottle bubbles in the background and the word WHEN? printed in giant letters.

Then, after a few weeks, all the billboards were replaced with the word SOON. I could hardly contain my enthusiasm.

Then, the big reveal yesterday at 1:02 - the launch of a new radio station in Edmonton called Now! Here are reasons why I already don't like this station:

1) Stupid ad campaign. I hate the build-up / reveal style of ads. Whatever marketing genius thought these up should be tied to a chair and forced to watch endless loops of "Where's the Beef" ads.

2) The name. Seriously? Now! (note the exclamation mark). What kind of name is that? Also, why do they need to shout the name of the station?

3) The morning show. Now, granted, I haven't heard the morning show yet, but the hosts are named Mars and Crash. Is the first lession in DJ school 101 about how you have to pick a zany name? "Here's our morning hosts, Jiffy Pop and Quicky Lube". Stupid.

4) The song selection - "guitar-driven rock songs from artists that write their own songs" - sounds promising. First artist listed? Nickleback. Enough said. Actually, not enough said - this looks like the worst parts of The Bear, Capital FM and K-Rock all mixed together.

5) The frequency. 102.3. That's WAAAY too close to Sonic 102.9. Considering that Sonic's tower is a piddly little thing in Nisku (right by that awesome Flaman treadmill guy) - the Now! broadcast takes over that entire 102-ish frequency range. Which makes it near impossible to find Sonic on my clock radio, which uses an old-school analog dial for tuning.

Don't get me started on how much point #5 upsets me. For years, I've woken up to the hilarious ramblings of Garner Andrews on Sonic. Or, 3 out of 5 days a week, a song by Metric. What an awesome way to start the day! Now that Now! has taken over my clock radio's ability to find Sonic, I had to tune it to the Bear. I do NOT want to wake up to AC/DC. Also, Paul Brown and the other Paul Brown (Yukon Jack) (oh yeah, and the ditzy woman - seriously, why hire a hot chick for radio?) are complete morons, and make me want to throw my radio and smash it when I hear them. Not a good way to start the day in a good mood.

I want my MTV.

And by MTV, I mean Sonic.

News banter

One thing that annoys me is news anchor banter to fill up the dead air at the end of a broadcast. Actually, I find it funny, especially if you watch it while thinking that the anchors hate eachother, but are forced to be nice on camera.

Anyway, last night, we caught the end of the CBC Edmonton news, and their feel-good story was about some people in Sweeden who made a life-size statue of Jesus out of Lego. At the end of the story, one of the anchors says "I'm sure that Jesus would love it".

I almost fell out of bed laughing....

On that vein, I wasted some time on youtube today watching news bloopers. Here are two of my favourites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0eINGyJHz8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6IvsSyhCaM

Does the horse get the medal?

Ok, so I am basically addicted to the Olympics. All of our copious TV watching in the past week has been basically all Olympics all the time. Which is OK, since CBC has pre-empted Coronation Street. (maybe Corrie will be the subject of a future post).

Anyway - there are a few things that I've thought about a lot while watching... and they are (in no particular order):

I am amazed and surprised that Galen Weston can speak French. We were watching Radio-Canada since the French channel often has better coverage than the English CBC. Along came the standard President's Choice commercial, and there was Mr. President (of brand-name fame) giving his speal about organic foods all in French. Kudos to you Mr. Weston. Which leads to a small digression - why is the No-Name brand at Superstore trademarked?

Speaking of French - what will happen in 2010 when CTV takes over the Olympic coverage? Last time I checked, there was no CTV-affiliated French channel - at least not on the grainy, no-cable TV that we get. At least the English coverage will have Brian Williams - I've missed his rants about the judging. Ian Hanomansowhatshisname is just not as entertaining.

And more on commercials - the Tostadas "recipe" (notice the quotes) commercials are lame. Here's a recipe - open the bag of chips, pour them in a bowl. Open the dip. Whoopeee!


What is up with Show Jumping? It appears to me that the horse does all the hard work. Case in point - the Canadian silver medal-winning team has a competitor in his ninth (yes ninth!) Olympics! To boot, he qualified for 10 games, but because of the '84 boycott, he didn't attend. Also, he might have missed one because of the Great Depression. In my mind, any event in which a septuagenarian can compete is not a real Olympic sport.

Along the same lines - what's the deal with BMX? (Or, as my friends on Radio-Canada put it, "le p'tit bicycle") This is like "the totally rad, super-awesome, X-Olympics games". Why not also include Ultimate Frisbee, or hackeysack? There's a good crowd of scofflaw ultimate players who play on the field by my house... next time I see them, I'll ask if they're gunning for London in 2012.

Other Olympic sports that bug me:

Modern Pentathlon - which is based on what a modern soldier needs to do behind enemy lines - sword fighting, pistol shooting, running, swimming and (yes, this event is doubly-cursed) - horse riding.

Base/Softball - I am sooo glad that they're dropping this after 2008. I have other issues with baseball as a major-league sport anyway - what kind of sport encourages chewing tobacco while playing???

Beach volleyball - one of the major reasons why we watch the French channel so often. It seems that the CBC looooves beach volleyball - considering that it is ALWAYS ON!

And my most favourite Olympic sport? It has to be the steeplechase. This is like horse jumping redeemed. Take the horse course, and remove the horse - wackiness ensues!

When the dog bites...

Here's a quick list of things that annoy me:

Payless Shoes BoGo ads. To me, BoGo means buy one, get one free - not some lame buy one get one at half price.

The commercials with that strange British woman and her coven of housewives who talk about amazing cleaning products - there's so much wrong with those ads.

People who ride bikes when there's snow on the ground. In fact, let's pull out all the stops and say bikes on the road in general are annoying.